fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
