there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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