I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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