I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
