i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
