I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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