Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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