I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
