My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
