rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
