i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
