My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
