Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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