My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
