omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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