You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
