im six kinds of drunk right now
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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