Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
