I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
