what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The best revenge is premature balding
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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