You're so nebulous sometimes
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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