coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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