i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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