I think I am morally bankrupt
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
