this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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