"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
