I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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