hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
