I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
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I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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