Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
