If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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