I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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