i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
