I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
