remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
