Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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