I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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