why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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