i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
