Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
third nipple confirmed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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