eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
