I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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