I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
