What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
