i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
