So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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