I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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