My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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