Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
