Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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