Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
