Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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