just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
