I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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