I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
