this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
