im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
