i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
