Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
