sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
