Already got asked if we're dating
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
